“Christian” Bumper Stickers

One of the things that amazes me is how many stupid bumper stickers there are for “Christians” to place on their cars. Now I’m not talking about fish decals or crosses, but stickers with messages that are trite, contain bad theology, or are just plain offensive. In the first category, I offer the following examples:

Yes, let’s make the cross of Christ into a joke- that’ll win some pagans over to our side.

Here we compare Jesus to the infamous milk commercial, while also threatening people with hell . . . its a two-fer.

And worse than that, here’s a sticker that causes the one who reads it to associate the blood of Jesus with Budweiser beer. I guess this is for the coach potato sports fan.

And finally, there’s

All of which equals one trite bumper sticker, if you ask me.

In the second category - bad theology - I found these shining examples:

Of course it is true that Christians are never, ever depressed. And as a corollary, depressed people just aren’t living the right kind of lives or they too would be blessed enough to overcome their depression.

And then there are a ton of “rapture” stickers, including:

Too which I can only say, “Dear God, please blow your horn soon, please.”

Finally, in the category of “offensive,” I believe these examples are among the worst offenders:

Hmm . . . I Think I’ll have a few more bumper stickers made from passages in Leviticus 20. How about these:

For anyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death; he has cursed his father or his mother; his blood is upon him. - Leviticus 20:9

If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death. - Leviticus 20:10

If a man lies with an animal, he shall surely be put to death, and you shall kill the animal. -Leviticus 20:15

If a woman approaches any animal and lies with it, you shall kill the woman and the animal; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them. - Leviticus 20:16

(The animal dies too? Isn’t the animal the victim here? Unless of course it was the animal’s idea.)

If a man lies with a woman during her menstrual period and uncovers her nakedness, he has made naked her fountain, and she has uncovered the fountain of her blood. Both of them shall be cut off from among their people. - Leviticus 20:18

And here’s an example of a “bad”fish sticker:

You can see why this fish is smiling, can’t you?

And now for my personal favorite in the”offensive” category:

Wow. Now that’s really a stark choice we have laid out before us. I mean if I have to choose one here, I suppose it would be “Bible.”

———-

The reason I went on a Christian bumper sticker hunting frenzy these past couple of days is because of a sticker I saw on a car last Sunday. I took one look at what the sticker said and wondered aloud to myself what kind of message the driver of the vehicle was trying to send. The sticker read, “It’s a Jesus Thing. You Wouldn’t Understand.”

To be honest, I didn’t understand. What is the Jesus thing? Is it owning a gas guzzling SUV? Could it be driving five to ten mph under the speed limit in order to piss off the folks stuck behind you? It’s possible that the Jesus thing is being married and having two or three kids like the couple in the vehicle or like the “Jesus” found in a recently “rediscovered” ossuary? Perhaps it is “being smug” . . . i.e., maybe the Jesus thing is all about implying everyone who reads the sticker is dumber than dirt and couldn’t possible comprehend what was going on under their very own noses.

Whatever the “Jesus Thing” was or is, however, lost all relevance for me as I felt the “Devil Thing” rise up in my heart, begging to me to smash into the rear-end of the “Christian-carrying” vehicle and exact a rightful revenge upon the idiots who had put an ignorant and offensive (and not in a good way) slogan on their car. A slogan which is much more likely to drive people away from the church and Jesus than it is to be a witness to the love and grace of God in Christ.

These kind of bumper stickers have “almost persuaded” me to get a protest sticker of my own. It reads:

Some other stickers that I found, which actually made me laugh, were:

And I swear if I see one more “Jesus is the reason for the season” sticker or button or card, I am going to buy myself the following ornament for my next Christmas tree:

I’m just saying.

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